implexus

You suck.

I dont watch the news, because I dont want to hear about you. When someone talks about you, I walk away. As much as I hate you, it pains me to see you dying, I dont want to bear witness to your slow death. I cant watch. I will cover my eyes, weeping from the bottom of my soul.
.....................

And really, can we stay off the new world order theory. I dont want to think about the end being near and all that. I get all these ideas in my head of things I want to make, or do, or accomplish in life. Not usually anything most people would consider really huge, just, things I really want to do. I just cant help thinking, I should have graduated years ago, but Im going back to school in August...but what if it doesnt matter? What if nothing Im doing right now matters? What if the world doesnt last long enough for it to matter? I havent lived yet. I just freakin got here only 20 some years ago. I havent "grown up" yet, I dont have children yet, I havent finished school yet, I havent really done anything yet! For craps sake, give me some more years! Give me enough years. And its not as simple as "seize the day." I havent finished college because I couldnt before now. I dont have children because my babies are gone. I havent gotten to live my "grown up" life yet because life itself hasnt allowed me to, it isnt for my lack of trying. I worry that I'll never have a chance to be anything more than what I am now. And I used to only consider these questions in relation to my own mortality, "what if I die tomorrow, and never get to finish this?" But now...its a part of a much bigger picture. And still Im unsure what part is based in reality, and what part is only in my head.

I think too much.